so what about tomorrow?

Simple. I'm sick and tired of this life. I want to die. Though i know i've already died a good hundred times.

I just cant make sense of everything. Im confused and frustrated.

Its as if i have been struggling behind bars... maybe morethan that.

It sucks. Sucks like hell.

Light in the Horizon

         

Sometimes when things seem to go entirely against your way and pulls you down helplessly to a bottomless pit of desperation, you'll be surprised on how the most unlikely person pulls you through it in the most unexpected way. Thanxaplenty to a friend... a special kind of friend!

Man Just Can't Fly

Childishly I hoped one day to become a superhero. One with superhuman powers to go against supernatural foe. But the pain of hitting my head hard on the wall strike me with an appalling truth, I am in no way a superhuman hero nor would i fight against supernatural foe. I felt helpless, I am but a grain of sand in a vast enormous shore. But i don't see the trials and inevitable despondency of mine to be my enemy, its the me i could possibly become- the awakening of the monster inside me that has been asleep deep within my soul. It's myself that I fear now, apparently my natural foe.

Job Interview

Pagkadaghan sa mga butang na gusto gayud nako mahimo niing kalibutana. Sama na usab niing paghimo ug bisaya na blog entry. Murag buang bah? Pero ang tinood gapakita lang ko ug pagpangga sa atong nitibong pulong. Dili baya gyapon sayon ning akong gahimoun karon tungod kay lisod, buot hunahunaon, ang pag pagawas sa akong gibati pinaagi niing polunga.

Apan sa maayong kabubut-on himoun ko kani.

Daghan mga panghitabo ang nagpaguol kanako niining adlawa. Mura ug gakabalaka ko sa mga pwedeng mahitabo sa kalibutan karon. Doul naba ang gitawag nila'g katapusan sa kalibutan?

Ang tuktugaok sa manok ang nipukaw kanako karon buntaga. Maayo ang akong pagkatolog, nilabi na nga niing mga nilabay na mga adlaw murag nag aliwasa ko sa akong pag igda. Unsa kaha na maayong mga kalihukan ang magpagana nako karon, pangutana nako sa akong kaugalingon.

Akong mata naglatagaw sa alkuba sa 'kong kwarto. Mubakod nako ug sayo para makatabang sa pagdigamo sa sulod sa balay. Apan sa dihang nibakod na ako nadumduman nako na naa ko'y job interwiew karon!

Alas otso na sa buntag ug wala pako nakaligo!

8:30 ang interview. Maligo pa ba ko? nyahahahay! pagkatugnaw raba.

Dali dali kong naligo, nikaon ug milupad padulong sa akong destinasyon.

Sa pag abot nako aduna nay duha ka waiting na mga interviewee sama nako. Mihatag ko sa ila ug smile na bout ipasabot (pwede namo manghawa kay niabot nako!) apan wala na nako kaayo gihimoung obvious ang meaning kay buntag pa baya. Sayo ra kayo para muihaw ug tawo.

Apan aduna na diay mas nauna pa sa amo. Una siya nainterview ug migawas na sa kwarto sa maginterview. Nigawas siya nga adunay peke nga smile ngadto kanamo. Pagkalain raba sa iyang wait, sama kalian sa iyang gibuhian na smile. Ngilngig buot hunahunaon ang scenario nila sa iyang mahimong asawa. Horror gayod tingali ang scene mabelong.

Sama sa na una, ang misunod nga duha ka aplikante mitunga gikan sa interview nga masulob-on ang panagway. “Unsa bay gakahitabo sa sulod?” Pangutana nako sa ‘kong kaugalingon, mahilig man ko mangutana sa akong kaugalingon. Walking encyclopedia baya ko. Sa mga wala pa nakahibalo, ok karon kabalo namo?

Now it’s my turn.

Bitbit nako ang envelope nga gatangag sa akong mga papeles na nagapamatuod na usa ako ka potentian nga applicant. Dili sa pagpanghinambog tinoud kanaa.

Sa sulod sa maong kwarto nagaingkod ang mag interview kanako. Lalaki apan giQuestion nako iyang gender pinaagi sa iyang sul-ob na pink polo shirt. Well anyway aware man sad ko na mao nay trend karon apan nganong nag mascara sya!? Dili tugma sa iyang pagka maskulado ang maong accessory. Kinahanglan ba na ma optimize ang blackness sa shape sa iyang kalimutaw? Ngeee! Speechless nako.

Ahhhh Tagalog day sya. So kinanglan speaking Luzon day ko karon. Wala nako gi-expect ang iyang mga pangutana. Murag nakaloko siya kanako. Apan kay naka-timing man siya ug isa pa ka buang…. Mao kining among nagihisgutan:

Q: Hi Goodmorning Jonnel right?, natagpuan ka na rin namin. Bakit ba ang hirap mong hagilapin?

(Tingali ka… unsa daw iyang gigingon? Pero tubag nalang ko. Quick tingali ning utok ko sa kabuang…)

“Ay ganun po ba? Hindi ko alam na mahirap pala akong hanapin... kasi nagkakalat lang naman po ako dyan sa mga kanto-kanto, sulok-sulok, tabi-tabi, at mga kalsa-kalsada. May pagka-gremlins po kasi ako, kapag nababasa, dumadami.”

Q: Willing ka daw magbold sa pelikula?

(Hala! Unsa daw? Pero tubag lang gyapon koh…)

“ Yap, willing naman talaga akong maghubad, wala akong kiyeme dun. Kaso hindi willing ang mga producers na maghubad ako, kasi hindi na raw magiging porn or sexy movie ang lalabas, baka maging horror movie pa daw.”

Q: Aba uso naman ngayon ang horror movies, ini-export pa nga mga asian horror movies sa hollywood di ba?

A: Hmm, I never thought of that. Sige suggest ko yan kay Mr. M. I like how you think!

Q: Kung bibigyan ka ng chance na maging kuneho, ano ang gagawin mo?

(Nagtuo man siguro ka na dili ko buang!?)

A: Siyempre popoy to the max na ako. Aba, ang mga kuneho kaya ay mga malilibog na hayop, itabi mo lang ang male rabbit sa female na kuneho, popoy na kaagad yan. Kaya nga rabbit ang symbol ng playboy eh.

Q: Siguro kailangan ko munang dumistansya ng konti sa iyo.

A: Naku huwag kang mag-alala, hindi naman ako nalilibugan sa hitsura mo. (ulawan lagi siya. Buwahahaha!)

Q: (Medyo nakasimangot) So... ano pala mga pinagkakaabalahan mo sa mga panahong ito?

A: Eto nga naghahanap ng trabaho. Bukod sa pangungulangot ngayon, wala na... ay meron pala itong interview mo. (Da lagi. Pormal raba kay ko karon imo kong gabuangon… Karon ka…)

Q: Napag-alaman namin na mahusay ka raw magluto?

(Dili na jud ni mayo. Mudagan jud ko karon. Pugngi koh! So nitubag ko…)

A: Yap, totoo yan. Nag-aral din kasi ako sa culinary school, dun ako natutong maging mahusay na cook. Lahat nga ng mga napagbigyan ko walang masabi sa mga lutuin ko. Sayang nga hindi sila makapagbigay ng testimony sa mga luto ko, kasi lahat ng napagbibigyan ko, kung hindi nasa coma ngayon ay misteryosong namamatay.

(Asa naba niabot ang interview? Wala nako kabalo. Go with the flow nalang ko sa iyang pagkakatok! Ingon dayon siya…)

Q: Paano ka pumatay ng ipis?

A: Kapag nakikita ko sila sa lababo, binubuhusan ko sila ng domex o kaya ng joy. Nakakatuwa kasi kapag tinitingnan silang kumakawag-kawag at nahihirapan, hanggang sa maglabas sila ng kakaibang fluid sa pwetan nila at yun mamamatay na.

Q: Ang mga bulate sa lupa sumasayaw kapag binuhusan mo ng asin, ang bulate ba sa puwet ganun din?

A: Ah, depende naman yan sa mga taong pinaglalagyan nila, kapag yung tao mahilig pumapak at kumain ng asin, hindi na yan mangingisay o sasayaw, pero kung hindi naman, maaari silang mangisay kapag nilagyan mo ng asin.

Q: Ganun pala yun. Ang mga langgam, paano mo malalaman kung lalake o babae?

A: Sus, hindi mo ba alam yun? Ang mga langgam kasi may mga anim na paa, pero ang di alam ng karamihan yung may mga anim na paa, babae ang mga yun. Ang mga lalaking langgam naman may pitong paa, ang ikapitong paa, nakalagay dun sa gitna ng mga huling paa.

Q: Bakit ba tungkol sa mga insekto ang mga tanong ko sa iyo?

(Wala nako kaagwanta. Nigawas akong pagka sarcastic ug miingon sa iyaha…)

A: Mukha ka kasing insekto kaya ganun yun (laughs), joke lang yun, kasi ang totoo, mas malala pa ang hitsura mo dun! "

Gibalibag man kaha sa ako iyang notebook! Ang giatay naoffend sa akong mga tubag sa iyang kaoffend offend nga mga questions! Dali dali ko nigawas sa kwarto uy.

Dagan ko pagawas uy! Bahalag di ko makatrabaho, basta ayaw lang makauban sa work ang parya nya na… CRAZY!

So niuli nalang dayon ko. Until now jobseeker pa gihapon ang title nako.

Better luck next time.

End of the world na kaha?

90/91

"Ninety Ninety-one"

Once a dream i sought in oblivion,
the wind that made the wind chime sing.

You came
you left
and came again

but then the feeling is still the same.


The truth i know you'll never know.
The truth you know will never go.

you again?

god! help me...

didnt know i have to feel this thing again... it sucks! a paradox...

bullcrap!

ten to twenty years from now i hope i could still remember the very reason why i have this entry... but pls do...

good luck.

Lies

Can we even live without lying?

I doubt we could.

I really had a blast tonight and it was all brought up by lies. Yeah. People have been lying and I am kinda caught between two people that are victims of lies. Oh well, yeah, two people i would never mention here... One who has been constantly lying and another who has been constantly fooled by lies.

Whats hard about this is that I know what that lie is and i seem to know to hide the truth from someone who i think should know it.

Hmmm, lie? no. But LIES. Plenty of them.

I must admit, I lie often but never to the point that i would gravely, if the word seem to be right, make a fool out of someone.

I happen to know someone who drops lies like it was that easy. Like not having to worry about how the other would feel come the time the other bumps into the truth. The worst about it is that the other, I think and i believe, have all the right in the world to know the truth.

A friend of mine spilled his grievances to me about how his 'better half' has been lying to him. About why she goes home late at night, too wasted to tell the right lie, and how she makes a fool out of him trying to convince him that shes here and shes there. It breaks my heart, if i still have one, to think that I know exactly why the 'better half' arrives home late and where she came from.

Exactly the reason why i say I'm caught up between two victims of lies.

Both are my friends and i don't want to cause any fight between them. The other believes she needs to bring up 'white' lies to shun away from anticipated quarrels if she doesn't lie and another that i think should learn the truth to at least make a move to stop it from getting worse.

I think I don't want to go deeper into this trouble so i guess i should end it here and leave people hanging... besides it is my intention to open this up and leave curios people hanging.

So I'll end it all here and make this blog entry a total waste.

Withour Love, You Are Nothing At All

I have once heard someone say, ”I can live without love,” and I wondered if one could really do. At the back of my mind I thought how could he possibly say that? It was one of the few times that I began to stop and contemplate of what really love is. Of what it does to us humans and what is its significance in our existence. And as my thought sailed to the few definitions of love that I know and to my personal perception to every meaning and sense of the word I knew that his notion is, to its entirety, not possible at all. Perhaps what that person meant in saying that is that he can live without someone to love and someone loving him back the way a girlfriend does. It was an absolute misconception of love and/or perhaps a very stupid choice of word on his part.

Love is too broad to define. Not a sentence, a paragraph or even a whole book in any given language could entirely explain what love is. Most lines that are ambitiously trying to make us understand love that we read from some books or somewhere else are merely brief and incomplete presentation of the many definitions of love, definitions of love that are enough to fill the depth of void.

Love is a mystery that is too large to grasp.

A little boy playing with a new toy as a birthday present after his birthday party could say that he is being loved. Albeit his innocence he knew his parents love him. A grin from a young boy straight towards his older brother after driving away a couple of kids bullying him shows a glimpse of proof that a brotherly love is present. The sight of an old woman being lead to the other side of a busy street by a young man completely a stranger to her suggests the sharing of love even to people that are not closely related. Love is omnipresent. It could be the experience of happiness, security and altruism.

The omnipresence of love is undeniably true and real. It is true because at any given time or in any given place one could be brushing elbows with people experiencing love and are happy about it. It is real for it is also a personal experience. One could never lie to have failed to feel love. Love exists almost everywhere and could never be ignored at all. For as long as the existence of man linger love and the experience of love will all and the same stay.

Love is a gift.

It is a birthright. And just like any other gift we are presented with only two options whether to accept it or not. Whether to experience it and let others experience it through us or avoid it and deny ourselves of the possible bliss that is to be experienced with love. But love is too strong to ignore. Only a person that is terribly ill would deny himself of this real human experience. Perhaps somebody who has not understood what love really is could confidently say he hasn’t experienced love nor could he live without it. To love is innate and to be loved is a choice.

How we love and how we are loved could define the very person that we are. Choosing to love and consequently be loved back lifts ourselves to heights enough to give us a bird’s eye view of what kind of life we are living. Love could even bring us to distance. It could lead us to discover feelings and emotions we never thought could have existed. Realizing we are living a life founded by love is an experience of joy and in itself an experience of love.

Personally I couldn’t think I could live without love. The absence of love is almost similar to a world without air. I’d rather be born without limbs than to have not the idea of what love and its experience is. For a fact I was born out of love, raised with love and am living with and for love. Love from my parents and siblings is an assurance that I will never live alone. That I am not to live in desperation and loneliness. Love found from my friends made me realize that my family is not isolated within the four corners of what I call home. What I have been, have become and will become is surely a product of love, its influence and from its experience. Without love my life could have been lifeless. Love from my parents, siblings, friends and colleagues are treasures I would never barter for anything. Not even for all the wealth of the world.

One cannot be complete without love as an element of his life. Love shapes us to be what we are supposed to be. It is the ink that makes the blueprint or our lives. Love brings us close to people, nurtures our interest and fuels our desire to live. Without love what are we? Perhaps merely leaves whose lives stretches only from the stem to the ground. Maybe a wave that after kissing the sands of the shore will be replaced by another wave and would completely be ushered into oblivion. Into nothingness.

Thus, a line from Manuel Dy Jr.’s A Phenomenology of Love says, “Without love, you are nothing at all.”